Dear Diary…

“I know so and so who just went through the same thing, and when they finally stopped trying, BAM!! They got pregnant” I think this is the # 1 thing I’m told now… so what, am I supposed to stop trying?? Are you telling me I’m wasting my money?? I don’t feel these are encouraging words.. I didn’t “try” for a VERY long time, until I learned there was an issue.. and we go “not trying” for sometimes months before starting treatments again.. No luck.. I’ve tried trying and not trying, I’m all tried out!! Lol

My birthday is coming up in a few months. Birthdays are starting to get depressing now.. I don’t want to get another year older without having a baby! I don’t feel 34 tho lol but I think that’s cuz I don’t have kids lol

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Coochy?!? :-/

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So, I’ve decided to start selling Pure Romance products!! ūüėõ ¬†I’m really excited!!¬†

Most of us know, in dealing with infertility, we get slammed with medical bills! Doctors bills for the diagnostics and tests and blood work right from the get go (at least most insurances help with these costs), to IVF costs (which are almost always all out of pocket), to adoption costs (I don’t even know¬†all the costs associated with adoption, but I do know they are a lot!!). And, for me, just working my regular job isn’t cutting it anymore. So, I figured, what better way to make money, right?!? Selling happiness and making money doing it!! The products are so awesome they pretty much sell themselves!! I’m so excited to start this new adventure! I just hope I can be motivated, and outgoing enough to put myself out there and book party after party!! LOL I really do think it will be a lot of fun!!!

To start off, I’ve been challenged to sell 25 bottles of Coochy, one of their best selling products. Lets see how I do! LOL (I only have till tomorrow, and I just started Friday afternoon. I knew it would be a feet to get that many in such a little time, but I’m trying, and doing better than I thought!!) BTW, in case you’re wondering, Coochy is a moisturizing shave lotion, much like a conditioner. In fact, it can double as a conditioner if you run out!! How awesome is that!! And, it’s so popular, they had to make a men’s like called Shave, because guys would constantly steal it from their significant others!! I use the Sweet Fantasy scented Coochy, and highly recommend that to anybody who hasn’t tried it yet, its soft, and a little fruity.

To all my blogger friends: I believe these products are amazing, and I don’t want to leave anybody out!! I want to be able to let everybody know when there are promotions, or even just when I’m placing an order! Let me know if you are interested in learning more about these products or have already tried something and need more!!

Tick Tock Tick Tock

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Tick tock goes my clock..

I used to think I had plenty of time! I’ve always known I wanted kids, but I thought I had lots of time! Time to do everything I wanted to do. Have fun, be dumb, drink, smoke, live life! Well now I’m 33. Yeah, I’m still young, I still have my whole life ahead of me, or so I’m told. I’ve got plenty of time to have babies. But that’s not what my clock is telling me.. Every month that goes by, every period I get, just puts me closer and closer to.. that time.. That time when I will no longer be able to have my own kids.. I feel it, it weighs¬†more an more heavily on me as the time passes. Oh, if I could smash that clock.. Somebody get me the sledgehammer!!

I thought it would be good for me to take a month off between cycles. To process, to relax, to not think about it, to maybe lose some of this weight I’ve put on. However, now I just think that time off puts more stress on me. I should be trying! I should be trying all the time everything I can! The more I try, the sooner I should get the result I want, right?!?!

So I guess I try again next month, and keep right on trying no matter what! Or at least those are my thoughts on the subject at this point.

Am I going crazy?

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Most of the time, I could swear I was pregnant! And right now, I’m not even trying!!.. My boobs get sore, I get wave of nausea, and I know its just gas bubble, but I could swear at times I can feel something moving in there! “Was the nurse sure she had the right blood sample tested? Where the results somehow switched? Maybe she didn’t read them right..” These questions take over my thoughts sometimes, and I feel myself spinning into a dark whole of “what if’s” and “it’s just not fair”.. I know it’s all in my head, I know the results were mine, and read correctly, I just can’t help but think about it sometimes..

The stress of all of this is really getting to me.. I bought a house over 2 years ago, with my aunt, who has 2 teenage boys. I thought it was going to be great! I mean, we get along great, I love those kids, and she’s a pretty easy going person. But, I wasn’t expecting to go through all this infertility crap! I thought my aunt and I would move in, the eventually my boyfriend, then we’d have kids and everything would be great! Well, it was after that that him and I got pregnant for our first time. And after that devastating loss, I decided to see a specialist. But even then, I figured he’d find out what’s “wrong” with me, fix it, then I’d be good to go! Not the case. And a year and a half later, here I am… Crying in the shower. I never realized how stressful it’d be living with another woman and her two kids. A woman who has no idea about what I’m going through, and doesn’t take the time to understand. I have nobody to talk to on a daily basis, so I try to¬†talk to her sometimes, when I really need to talk. But every time I do, every single time, she tells me “You just need to stop thinking about it. You need to stop tying, then it will happen” I swear I want smack her every time she says it, but I usually just smile and nod, or say “well that won’t happen” and giggle. Well, we were talking about it again last night, and lo and behold, she said the same thing. Again. It upset me, as usual, but this time, I said something! “Saying that to me, is like telling somebody with cancer to stop treatment, and don’t think about it, and the cancer will just go away” My infertility is not just going to go away if I stop thinking about it! True it won’t get worse, and it wont kill me, but I had to say something. And, of course, she blew it off and said no, it’s not like that at all! UUUHHHHHH She makes me so mad!

I am so sick of everybody’s opinions on the subject of which they no nothing about! My best friend was asking me what’s wrong, did something happen or just your IVF situation… That kind of upset me.. Like my IVF situation isn’t enough of a stressor anymore, or do I bore you with me infertility struggles? My aunt’s nonsensical advice of “just stop trying, it’ll happen” or what really gets me is when people tell me “if you want to know what it’s like to have a kid, you can watch mine for a day” Like really lady?!? My kid would act anything like your kid? Number 1, you’re a friggin crack head for saying that, and 2 every kid acts differently! AND when your kid get hurt, she’s not going to come running to me crying “mommy”!

UUUUHHHHHHH… I wish I was¬†from the “smack-a-hoe tribe”! Get smackin’ some of these bitches! (I’m just kidding, I would never hit anybody, but come on “smack-a-hoe tribe”? Funny right? Saw it in a movie once [John Q – great movie about a father trying to save his son!!] and never forgot it.)

I feel stressed out when we are actively trying to get pregnant, and I feel stressed when we are on a break from all of that. Right now I just feel like I’m in a constant state of stress. I just want my baby! To hold my baby in my arms and probably never put him/her down! EVER!!!!!! lol

I’ll probably be one of those scary, over-protective moms! I can see it now…

He’s going through a lot too!

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These are actual notes from him. He really is a great man!

Talking to my boyfriend this past weekend, telling him our chances of pregnancy, and talking about the stress we’ve been dealing with.

One never hopes and dreams that their perfect family starts at a fertility clinic. When we are little, and dream of our perfect wedding and perfect family and having that perfect house “with the white picket fence, 2 kids running around and the yellow lab puppy”, we don’t ponder about how many cycles it would take, or how many trips to the RE, how many needles and bruises and heartbreak we’ll be faced with. But, to some of us, this is our reality. Some of us are lucky enough to have that dream wedding before dealing with infertility, but some of us are forced¬†to choose the financial burden of assisted reproductive technologies, such as IVF, over that dream wedding. But either way, none of us thought it’d be like this!!

My boyfriend really is a¬†typical man, doesn’t talk about ewey gooey emotions, and talking personal stuff with his friends? Forget it! LOL. It’s all boats and trucks and snowmobiles LOL. He did recently, however, tell his best friend “I love her, I think she’s kinda awesome, I do wanna have a kid with her!” Which was, like, WOW!! LOL I about died of shock when I heard that! LOL He actually told his friend something very personal! ¬†Now, I’m sure¬†he does talk to them more than I know, at least I really hope he does! He never realized what he was¬†getting himself into, being with an infertile. I didn’t know either, but I think I was a little more prepared than he was… For what though? I really didn’t know.

We got pregnant for our¬†first time in September 2014, naturally. I was over the moon excited!! He was scared, nervous, then excited LOL. ¬†But, of course, that pregnancy was short lived.. I was seeing my regular OB/GYN at that time.¬†And maybe if¬†I had told him¬†about my previous losses, he¬†could have done something differently. But I had the misconception that they read your file before seeing you.. I don’t think any do! Even now, seeing my RE, I have gotten to the point where every time I see a different nurse, I tell her¬†straight away, “now I’ve had 5 losses so far, so what are we doing this time?” LOL

So, he¬†was devastated! He’s never gone through this, and not that the 4th time was any easier for me, but he took it very hard! So hard, in fact, that he had thought’s of not being able to go through this again. He cried, he got depressed, and he actually thought of a dumb excuse to break it off with me. Thankfully, 1) I’m smart LOL and 2) he really didn’t mean any of it and all those negative thoughts were short lived! We know how much in love with each other we are! And no matter what, we will always be there for each other when it gets bad like that! And he wants me to have this so badly!

So, the time came when we want to try again. We had taken¬†the summer off to relax and recover. I call the RE’s office. For the first time, we start a Timed Intercourse Cycle with injectables. I had low hopes, I mean, come on, can it really work the first time?? I actually asked the nurse what are the odds, she told me pretty good actually since its all timed. And, in fact, it worked! We got pregnant on the first cycle! He, again, was nervous, but this time for a different reason. He was scared for me! He didn’t want to see me hurt again. We tried to be as cautious as we could, but that didn’t help. We lost that one as well. It was very early tho, so they couldn’t do a D&C. It was basically just a very, very, heavy period with quite painful cramps! Again, the heartbreak ensues. He doesn’t understand why this keeps happening to us! He gets frustrated with himself, the situation. He sees me cry again, and go through days of depression. He just wants to take away my pain, and give me everything I’ve always wanted.

So,¬†we try again, this time almost immediately. Timed Intercourse again, not very sexy… Scheduling sex, kind of takes the fun out of it. No, not kinda, it does!! He feels pressured and stressed the whole time, thinking”I better get this done, and done right!” But, we get the job done, and go on our merry way, doing whatever we did that day. Ok, TWW time.. UUGGHH The longest 2 weeks of your life it seems! I’m feeling my boobies, analyzing every symptom, every feeling. OMG I actually feel pregnant!! I take a HPT, BFN. He tells me, “baby it’s just too early, don’t worry!” Ok, he’s probably right, just relax.. I go for my blood draw, wait in the office for an hour and a half for results to come back.. BFN.. did not take this time.. Of course I cried a little, he was upset as well..

“I don’t know if I can do this again” he says. “This is way too much stress, I can’t even get hard anymore.. I know you’re going through a lot too, but I just can’t do it, you may have to find somebody else” Now, thankfully, those thoughts, again, were short lived. He is so frustrated with this whole situation, and feels there is nobody for him to talk to.. He keeps everything bottled up inside.. I wish I could help him go through this, but I’m going through it also, so it’s so hard! He doesn’t realize the feelings he has, the stress he’s under, is normal. For a guy in his situation anyway. I told him other men go through this too, he was like “Really?!?” It is hard, and there are so many times we both feel like throwing in the towel.. But those feelings are never long lived!

I just wish he has somebody to talk to! Somebody to tell him, it’s ok, you’re feelings are normal! Somebody who’s gone through all this..

Our Chances:

I told him our chances of getting pregnant.

  • Naturally, with no doctors, we have a 1 – 4% chance on any given month
  • Timed Intercourse with Injectables, probably a 20-30% chance on any given month, (slightly better than a healthy couple trying to conceive naturally [20%])
  • IVF with PGD, is about a 40-45% chance! (but very expensive)

We are in the process of mulling these figures over, debating on the second and third option.. If IVF wasn’t so expensive, there would be no mulling over of options…

Orchids for Fertility

I am seriously thinking about getting one more tattoo. I absolutely love orchids, and in Ancient Greece, orchids were a symbol fertility. They do have other meanings, and meanings associated with their color, and there are other flowers that symbolize fertility, like the hyacinth and the lotus flower, but orchids are my fave, so I’m going with that one. IF I get one. I love these three!! I love the first one I think the best because it shows the roots too. However, it’s going to be a lot smaller! LOL I don’t think I could do my whole back like that, even though it is beautiful!

I have dragonfly tattoos right now, small ones on my wrist that represent the losses I’ve had so far. However, I got them when I lost my first 2 with my ex, so I kind of want new ones for this stage in my life. And, I may, well probably will, get 2 small dragonflies flying around the orchid, or off of it, or sort of coming out it… hhmmmm so many possibilities…. But I do feel the need to do something so commemorate my more recent losses, even though I did tell myself, the last tattoo I got, was GOING TO BE THE LAST! LOL LOL ok so maybe it won’t be LOL

Slipping Away

I can feel it happening again.. This time, not because I have an a**hole boyfriend, who’d rather drink and tell my I’m ugly, but because of my reality now, today. My infertility.

I feel like I’m slipping away.. I don’t feel happy anymore. I don’t feel positive anymore.. I just feel a deep hole. Yeah, I have moments, moments where I’m happy and laughing. But most of the time, what’s on my mind, INFERTILITY.. UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY… It’s seem like that’s all I can think of, and I feel like don’t have time for anybody else’s B.S., and stupid questions! I’m trying not to be such an a**hole!!! LOL But lately I just feel like I can’t deal with people!

“Do you have vodka?”

“This is a liquor store, OMG of course I carry vodka!!!” at least that’s what I’m thinking and hopefully not rolling my eyes.. I keep having to tell myself, that’s not what they are really asking. They are really asking “Where is your vodka section?” Chill out Victoria!! UUGGHH

I just want to be shut in my room, alone. Away from people stupidly put together questions, and away from people’s “advice” and “thoughts” about all this.. “You can borrow my kid for a day, then you’ll know what its like to have kids” Like really??? :-/ People actually say that to me? Like their kid is the epitome of how all kids will be. I feel like nobody gets me or my situation. Granted it’s definitely not a typical one, even for someone going through infertility.. But it’s my life! Right? I work as a cashier, my customers come in asking the typical “How are you today?” “I am very good” I reply in a cheery tone. Am I trying to convince¬†myself? The customers? Which, I’m sure they have no idea that anything is wrong anyway..

I know I’m going about this journey in a not-of-the-norm sort of way. No, I’m not married, no he doesn’t even live with me.. But he is helping me achieve something I’ve always wanted. And he does know what he is getting himself into. So it’s not like I’m just out there trying to make babies with whoever.. But because of all this, I feel like I can’t even talk to anybody for fear that they are going to judge me and criticize me. I need a “F*ck Off” type of attitude!! “So what, I’m not like you, I am living through this the only way I know how. And, I’m not getting any younger here!!”

But that’s not even all of it.. Infertility wreaks havoc on your self-esteem!! I feel inadequate, broken inside.. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me..

Sometimes I just wish I had somebody to really, really talk to.. But for now, I have my blog..